Hard Reality #1: Our feelings for our partners will ebb and flow
And/but: they usually come back again.
You have to be patient. And compassionate. And mature. Real love is not the eyeball-bursting, heart-struck romance we see in rom-coms and experienced in the beginning.
Love changes. And good love grows.
If you’re relying primarily on “staying in love” to stay together, you’re banking your “forever” on something inherently fluid. Many people think their feelings now will go on lasting forever (or just get better, wee!), but they’re wrong.
If your gameplan is to always feel the same, then you are in denial of how humans work.
There will be tough times and sour notes and shit years in your relationship. There just will be. If you want it all at the end, you have to stick through it.
“Feelings” come and go, and we have to decide whether we’re going to chase the highs and temptations and relinquish our relationship, or relinquish the chokehold that “feelings” have on us and hold our relationship together.
Hard Reality #2: We will feel attracted to others
Human beings are messy! And as Winton from Five Year Engagement put it:
“Underneath all that polite bullshit we’re all running on caveman software”
One woman (and seriously, respect, sister ❤) was faithful for decades. She resisted temptation and stood by her vows,
“Married 20+ years… happy normal ups and downs like any marriage. Children are in college… I love my husband and have never ever considered cheating. I have had many offers over the years but have always refused. I have never even been tempted… I am still happy in my marriage; I am not angry or upset with my husband... I have NEVER planned this, I didn’t look for this, I did not seek this out I never had any intention of ever cheating.”
But then she felt something. From the moment she met the guy:
“I was flooded with a feeling I had not had before… This man completely took my breath away. I felt like a teenager again. My stomach was in knots and my mouth was dry I was blushing constantly and could barely form a coherent sentence. Oh I wanted him so bad but I refused. I… told him I was married and just could not do this…
Eventually… he kissed me. I said I couldn’t but then just went with it. Needless to say we never left the house. We talked and played for hours, the best part was just being in his arms and talking, I wanted to stay there forever.
I have not been able to stop thinking about him. He pops into my head out of the blue and I catch my breath and get butterflies. I can’t explain it and I figure in time this will stop and these feelings will go away, but they never do, it has been a year.
I started seeing a therapist because I felt so guilty… I am happy and comfortable… why can’t I stop thinking about this man?
Why would I be so stupid as to ruin a perfectly good and until now happy marriage, risk everything, and in the end hurt my family and possibly wind up alone?… On the other hand we only have one life to lead so why shouldn’t I take this chance and possibly end up with someone who makes me so happy and who I want to make happy in return?”
And look… guys, at its core, that is beautiful. It really is.
In a vacuum, all by itself, that is some really beautiful emotion right there. So many people go through life never having that, and if you thought you did but then experienced a whole new level of “happiness,” I feel you. I get it. It sounds a lot like the “love” we’re all taught to revere.
And that is my damn point.
If your plan for staying together forever — your insurance against a divorce/breakup — is to never develop feelings or attraction for anyone else, you’re gonna have a bad time.
Because, statistically speaking, you almost certainly will.
So the real thing is: you have to choose. You have to reset expectations. You have to redefine what it is you want.
From a guy who’s been married for over 20 years:
“Be on guard with our hearts, and eyes, so as to not have an affair of the heart or physical affair.” — Oldschool52
If you build a relationship based entirely on “feelings” and expect to stay together, you are mistaken. The couples who stay together for decades know this. They last not because they were never tempted, or never fell out of love, but because they valued their commitment more…
Step 3. Commit (Yourself, To Your Partner)
Because: see above.
If you want to be together forever, YOU HAVE TO DELIBERATELY CHOOSE. Every day.
Even when you’re not “feelin’ it,” or are feeling somethin’ for someone else.
Love is a choice, an investment, something of which we are the active agent — not something we “feel” or “fall into.”
Because if you define your love and your relationship by how you feel, you’re gonna “fall” out of it at some point. If you want to stay together, you have to commit even when you don’t “feel” it at times.
There will be times when your “feelings” directly challenge your commitment.
If you ask people the secret to a happy, longterm relationship, younger couples, divorced couples, and unhappy couples will all say “communication.”
But older couples and long-haul couples all say:
“Commitment.”
This is a huge wake-up call to a lot of people. But successful couples know…
“Contrary to popular belief, being married isn’t ‘happily ever after.’ It takes a great deal of work.” — thehumanscott
“Marriage is rarely two strong people, it’s about taking turns being strong for each other.” — sdub99
“You must contribute more than a paycheck and not cheating. You have to proactively work to better your marriage by doing things around the house without being asked and conceiving of kindnesses on your own intentionally and spontaneously. In first marriage I traded my mom for another mom, my wife didn’t want to be my mom and resented having to act like one.” — TocchetRocket
“Marriage done well is hard work.” — OldSchool52
Put In The Work
If anything, a long-term relationship means you put in more energy, not less.
“We have to unpack the baggage of our youth… We have to allow our spouse the space to grow as a person and this many times takes patience and understanding.” — oldschool54
“Over the years, I have dated my spouse regularly, gone on trips with just her… and marriage retreats together to be better people and spouses. Marriage is like a see-saw, it is either going up or down.” — oldschool54
“The work of keeping a marriage solid should be split 80/20 with both sides doing 80%. Super cheesy right? Totally works.” — squizzix
But really, the ratio always changes. So the real secret is: just put in work.
Do the work.
Not resentfully. Not passive-aggressively. Not on auto-pilot, or to check a box, or just to “safeguard.” That’s not the point. The point is love, remember?
And just… damn, guys — love so hard.
Love so damn hard
But I don’t mean “hot,” which offers an excuse to go “cool.”
Don’t love “hot and cold.” Love warm. Love consistent. Love every day. Make the choice.
Love is a choice and an action — not a “feeling.”
Make that choice every single day.
Keep Choosing and “Dating” Your Partner — Every Day
I’d give specific examples here, but frankly, I don’t have any, because it differs by person — and couple. But one thing is true: keep on doing it.
Very often, marriage and longterm relationships create what I call:
“The Gremlin Effect”
The “Gremlin Effect” is that phenomenon where people just kind of change once they’ve been together a while. They change their effort, or their expectations. Sometimes they change both. They stop trying.
If you’re not actively growing and building your relationship and your love, then you’re actively letting it die.
Keep dating the person they grow into, not the person from x years ago, whom you wish they’d stay. This goes back to the previous point on realistic and healthy expectations.
People change.
And love means changing, too — hopefully in the same direction.
“As your partner changes, you need to learn to appreciate and fall in love with the new person they become. Most simply become resentful and hurt. “You used to….” Avoid any thought that begins with those words. They are poison. Focus on love, appreciation and getting to know your partner over and over.” — kuzushi_
Did you miss the first part? Read it here: How to make relationships last