How To Make A Relationship Last

“Communication” is not the secret

If you ask people what “the key to making a relationship last” is, one of the most common answers you’ll get is:

“Communication.”

(That, as well as “trust,” or “respect,” or whatever…)

But the thing is…

“Communication” is not the secret

And whoever thinks it is needs to do a real gut-check on this one.

Folks who think this do so because they struggle with it. They struggle with emotional boundaries — what’s theirs, what’s their partner’s, what they should own, what their partner is to blame for. They think “sharing” is the same as “solving,” as though “talking about it” means things are going to be “fixed.” They also struggle with anxiety and passive-aggressiveness — especially when, shocker, “communication” alone doesn’t work.

And, yeah, a point of personal growth for them is definitely “communication.”

But that doesn’t make “communication” the key to a lasting relationship.

“Communication” gets you statements like:

“I truly and deeply loathe you sometimes”
“There are moments I regret marrying you”
“I have sexual fantasies about your best friend”
“I sometimes I think about cheating on you”
…etc.

Which may seem like an exaggeration. But it’s not far from:

“I need ___”
“I want ___”
“I feel __ ”
“You make me feel___”

If you’re thinking: “what’s wrong with the second set?”
The same thing that’s wrong with the first set: it’s poor emotional boundaries.

I know “experts” everywhere say that “communication” is the solution, but it’s not. And sure, if you struggle to share, or get passive-aggressive, then yeah, work on that — but as a “you” thing. Not as “the secret” to making a relationship work. Because sharing is great, but relationships are about much more than handing off our feelings, wants and needs to our partners.

So. Beyond “communication”…

Depending on what you want out of a relationship, you have two options:

OPTION 1: A GOOD RELATIONSHIP, WHILE IT LASTS

— however long that is.

This is you if: you’re not necessarily hellbent on staying together “til death do you part.” You understand that people change, and needs and wants and values change, so relationships change and, either upfront or deep down inside, you’re okay with that. You just want it to be good in the meantime.

Okay. Fine. Respect.

But. This is also you if: you think staying together “forever” means “you’ll always feel exactly the same.”

If you’re the sort of person who insists on defining “love” as a “feeling” rather thana “choice,” then you are, in fact, also exactly the sort of person who intends to stay together only for as long as that lasts.

But either way here’s how to do “Option 1” and make it good while it lasts:

Develop (Your Own) Emotional Maturity

This includes other words people use to describe a good partner: kind, respectful, trustworthy, honest. (As one person put it: “reasonable and rational and not selfish or petty.”)

Uh, yeah… “emotionally mature.” Y’all mean “emotionally mature.”

But it’s not just about finding someone who is — because we don’t control other people.

It’s also about being someone who is.

Kindness

I wrote about this recently. But effectively,

Love is acceptance — just as much as ourselves as others. Loving and caring for ourselves first means that we develop the self-respect and strength necessary that we don’t bury our self-worth in others, either in subjugating them or “winning” their affections.

Honesty

Yes, you read right.

Respect

“When divorced couples are asked what would have made it work. They say communication. Married couples (over 10 years) when asked what makes it work. Say respect.” — the_obstinate_maw

Emotional Boundaries

I talk about this A LOT. It’s the number one thing you need to understand to make a relationship work, and if you’re not getting it, you are going to fail(or suffer so hard, which frankly is still “failing,” breakup/divorce or not.)

Take responsibility for your own emotions, wants, and needs. Take ownership of your own happiness (or unhappiness), and don’t hang it on your partner.

Compromise

Neither person is the “alpha” in a healthy relationship. Neither “wins” (or “loses”) a “fight,” because “fights” aren’t what they have. Mature couples have discussions or disagreements. Not verbal boxing matches or duels of the wit.

Conflict resolution

a.) Healthy couples don’t “fight” — not because they “avoid” conflict, but because they discuss, or disagree. They both seek to understand before being understood, listen, show compassion, etc. They both hear their partner’s side as much as sharing their own. They both know the difference between a mature, adult “discussion,” and an immature “fight” with a winner and loser.

b.) Understand how to apologize. (Note: “I’m sorry that you — ” and “I’m sorry, but — ” are not apologies. Those are bullshit, emotionally immature statements.)

And all of that? That will get you “a good thing” — for as long as it lasts.

OPTION 2: A “FOREVER” LOVE

A love that truly lasts a lifetime.

This is what most of us say we want, but most of us don’t actually know how to make it happen.

Because:

If you define “love” as a “feeling” rather than a “choice,” then you are also directly putting love at risk of not lasting “forever.”

Here’s what “forever” actually requires:

Step 1. Develop (Your Own) Emotional Maturity

(See above)

Step 2. Reset Your Expectations (Of Love & Feelings)

I am continually amazed at the number of people who end their marriages or longterm relationships because they “fell out of love” or “developed feelings for someone else.”

People are messy, imperfect human beings.

And, over the course of years:

Feelings change.

…to be continued

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