In my last essay to you, I asked you a question : Are you avoidantly attached?. I tried in that essay to explain what it means to be in such a state or be such a person while also explaining what it means.
What I want to share with you today is related to how your attachment style can influence your sex life. I remember sharing that attachment styles are the framework of how we relate to being close to and dependent on someone, usually a romantic partner.
Attachment styles play a role in the way we approach and experience sex. While secure attachment is associated with a fulfilling sex life, insecure attachment styles – anxious/preoccupied, dismissive/avoidant, and disorganized – have been linked to less satisfaction and more casual sex in intimate relationships.
Our attachment patterns predict (to a large extent) the way we approach and act in relationships. And since sex is a central and important part of intimate relationships, it would be logical to expect that attachment styles affect us in the bedroom.
Attachment styles form during early childhood but stick with us through adolescence and adulthood. They affect the way we perceive ourselves as individuals as well as the way we view social bonds in general.
There are four attachment styles:
Anxious (Preoccupied)
Avoidant (Dismissive)
Disorganized
Secure
Each of those styles predisposes us to how we will view, approach, and experience sex. While secure attachment often correlates with a fulfilling sex life, the other three – categorized as insecure – often lead to more problems in intimate relationships.
Let’s look at each one of them
Anxious Attachment: Uses sex for approval, falls in love easily and generally mistrusts their partner
The anxious/preoccupied attachment style is generally characterized by excessive worries about how one is perceived by others (therefore – anxious), and by an extreme desire for proximity, connection, and ‘merger’ with the attachment figure (therefore – preoccupied).
image gotten from attachmentproject
Anxiously attached people also tend to feel under-appreciated or misunderstood by their lovers, or generally unsatisfied with the way they are being loved.
Such individuals will often become clingy, needy, and dependent on the attachment figure (in this case, the lover), which – paradoxically – might put off their partners and cause even more conflicts and frustration in the relationship.
People with this attachment style often become obsessive and emotionally labile in their intimate relationships, due to strong fear of rejection. Even the most insignificant sign of unavailability from the partner might lead to extreme jealousy and demonstrations of anger and distrust.
When the relationship ends, it often leaves bitterness and resentment in the anxious individual. In other words, it’s not likely that you can ‘just be friends’ with an anxious person after you’ve been sexually involved with them.
Sexual behaviors of anxious adults are driven by attempts to make up for the perceived lack of love and security.
They are likely to fall in love easily, even though they rarely believe that their partners are their true love. This is possibly because anxiously attached people often expect others to be unavailable and not interested in long-term commitment.
when anxious individuals do engage in sexual encounters, they often do it for two main reasons:
manipulation: to provoke the partner’s attentiveness, availability, and caregiving behaviors
pursuit of proximity, reassurance, and approval
On the positive side, despite the likelihood of having many lovers, anxious individuals tend to remain cautious in the bedroom when it comes to using protection. They are more likely to use condoms during sex, which could be explained by their tendency to be more careful and fearful in general.
So with all you have read, does this sound like you?
Take this test-Attachment Style Test
Reference: the attachment project
I will see you next week but don’t forget to subscribe, share and like.
While you are at it, check out my Youtube and Podcast for amazing educative topics: